Being Braver

So I climbed into my hip suit and my cool SUV and headed out to my first job interview. They offered me the position right then and there. I was floored. I had some major concerns about what having a job that far from home (1hr 15min) would do to the kids. For 24 hrs I went back and forth..everything else about the job fit: the money, the fact it was clinical and would count toward license, sounded good. I didn't even mind the drive. If you live in Houston, chances are you commute. An hr commute is prob the norm. Then I did the math. The kids would need to be dropped off by 6:45am and would not be picked up until 5:30pm. Dude, that is a lot of hours! No matter how great the job sounded I couldn't wrap my mind around nor could I justify leaving my kids for that long. I got scared that this was the only job I would ever be offered and I should just count myself lucky that somebody would hire me at all. Maybe I should just shut up and take the dang job. I just couldn't though. Couldn't do it.

In the end I called them and declined the offer. I did however tell them that I would be willing to work contract. I would be willing to work a couple full days a week, including Sat, or mornings, or afternoons, but I really need to be there either in the mornings or afternoons for the kids. I can't drop them off half asleep at daycare and see them only in the evenings to nuke some corndogs and pray homework has been done already.

This brings up a lot of shame issues for me. I have NEVER felt like a good mom. Not ever. Most times I feel that my kids are working out some horrible karma by being entrusted to my care. It seems like everyone else has it so much more together than I do. I really need to keep reminding myself that we all have issues and challenges and I'm probably not as horrible as I think I am. I mean, hey, Caleb is officially a teenager and STILL talks to me. Must be doing something right! :)

Being Brave

Okay...so here I go. All this talk about being brave and fearless will be put to the test tomorrow as I venture out to the other side of the universe (otherwise known as Northwest Houston) for my first social work job interview. I was lucky enough after graduation two years ago to get hired on at my intership so I never had to endure the hell that is the "job search." Now it is coming back to bite me on the butt.

My friend Lindsay got my resume together for me and badgered me until I finally sent it out. Now I have an interview. And wouldn't you know it, she is in Seattle and has no idea that she has left me to interview alone...she will pay!!

Went to Anne Taylor and bought a hip (although about three sizes larger than I would have liked) interview suit. Have my Coach bag and Italian pumps ready to go. I will look good even if I totally bomb the interview. I have printed out a pic of the doc "kicking and shaking boots" and tucked into my purse to remind myself that I CAN be brave and terrified at the same time.

Okay. Deep breath. Here we go.

Superpower!

(From Brene Brown's I Thought it Was Just Me read-a-long)

What is my superpower? Well, back when I was nursing Zoë, I had a t-shirt that said "I make milk! What is YOUR superpower?!" Loved that t-shirt. Totally freaked the Stepford Wives out here in Clear Lake. Now that my breastfeeding days are far, far, far behind me (Zoë is now six) I'm not sure I have a superpower.

As a therapist I have a knack for understanding motives behind my client's actions. Especially between parents and children and couples. It's like I can step back, and see "the big picture" However, any therapist worth a dang should be able to do that, so while it is a skill I'm proud of and think I'm good at, not sure it qualifies as a SUPERpower.

So I started thinking about WHAT I wanted my superpower to be. I want to be brave. I want super-duper-braveness powers…the power to be fearless…then I remembered something Brene said in the last podcast…about being scared and brave at the same time.

That is my superpower! To be in two states at once and finally realizing that I don't have to be one or the other and allowing myself to be vulnerable to be both (to integrate and not alternate thanks, Brene…again!) is a very good thing.

Because you have to be brave and totally terrified when you:
Skip out on a graduate program the semester before graduation and go for something else!
Try to have another baby with the memory of PPD still stinging.
Send out a resume for the first time after being out of work for six months
Learn to ski at the age of 31
Karaoke
Do play therapy with young children who have been abused
Run after open heart surgery.

My outfit is comprised of a red cape, and these really cool Doc Martens boots to kick butt in and shake in!