So I climbed into my hip suit and my cool SUV and headed out to my first job interview. They offered me the position right then and there. I was floored. I had some major concerns about what having a job that far from home (1hr 15min) would do to the kids. For 24 hrs I went back and forth..everything else about the job fit: the money, the fact it was clinical and would count toward license, sounded good. I didn't even mind the drive. If you live in Houston, chances are you commute. An hr commute is prob the norm. Then I did the math. The kids would need to be dropped off by 6:45am and would not be picked up until 5:30pm. Dude, that is a lot of hours! No matter how great the job sounded I couldn't wrap my mind around nor could I justify leaving my kids for that long. I got scared that this was the only job I would ever be offered and I should just count myself lucky that somebody would hire me at all. Maybe I should just shut up and take the dang job. I just couldn't though. Couldn't do it.
In the end I called them and declined the offer. I did however tell them that I would be willing to work contract. I would be willing to work a couple full days a week, including Sat, or mornings, or afternoons, but I really need to be there either in the mornings or afternoons for the kids. I can't drop them off half asleep at daycare and see them only in the evenings to nuke some corndogs and pray homework has been done already.
This brings up a lot of shame issues for me. I have NEVER felt like a good mom. Not ever. Most times I feel that my kids are working out some horrible karma by being entrusted to my care. It seems like everyone else has it so much more together than I do. I really need to keep reminding myself that we all have issues and challenges and I'm probably not as horrible as I think I am. I mean, hey, Caleb is officially a teenager and STILL talks to me. Must be doing something right! :)
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