Monday, March 23, 2009

Running Fearless

I'm signing up to run my first 5k since open heart surgery! It is a small one April 18th to raise money for our local high school band. I'm posting it here to keep me honest!

I started running about five years ago. I bought a jogging stroller strapped my daughter in and hit the pavement. I was hooked almost immediately, interesting, since I do not have an athletic bone in my body, but there is something about getting lost in the sound of my feet hitting the pavement that calms and centers me and keeps me sane.

It has been hard to get back to running. Physically, it has been challenging. When I first got home I couldn't climb the stairs, much less run! Six months later, I can climb the stairs, but am nowhere near the distance or time I was pre-surgery.

The mental part has been more difficult. In spite of being cleared by doctors, of being told "no, your heart is NOT going to explode in your chest," fear of "what could happen" has kept me from doing one of the things I love the most.

In the movie Sex and the City, Charlotte is afraid to run, afraid to jinx all the good things happening in her life, afraid of something bad happening. Carrie tells her, "you run. That is what you do. It is who you are. You can't be afraid to be who you are!" I can relate.

So this week I am not going to be afraid of who I am. I am a runner. I am going to run.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fearless

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

I have really enjoyed these past two days. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous. On our road trip to Galveston and Moody Gardens yesterday, the kids and I were zooming down the highway blaring Taylor Swift, singing at the top of our lungs, ZoĆ« and I in our matching "bug" but, oh, so fashionista, sunglasses. Caleb rolling his eyes in between mouthing the words under his breath so we won't hear him. We've just spent time together, laughing, singing, dancing around, acting silly…fearless. I don't know how it gets better than that.

It has been a long time since I have felt this, well, fearless and it made me realize how rarely I let myself experience this feeling. I began to wonder how to hold on to this feeling and "all this beauty" I wish I had some profound insight. I wish I could write that I figured it all out, that I finally got it all together. But I don't. But maybe that is how you be fearless: you grab hold of somebody's hand and rush headfirst, especially when you don't know where you are going. I don't know where I will end up, it is all up in the air, but here I go…fearless.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Haircut Time

So I went to Vegas with a friend this weekend. I did have a good time: had a spa tx, laid out by the pool, had an awesome dinner at Picasso, but I kept having flashbacks to 15-20 years ago when I was the party-girl/club-kid. Some things never change. The drinks may be more expensive but that is about it. I did come to realize that I am recovered from heart surgery. I'm fine. My heart is not going to explode or rupture in my chest at a moments notice. You will not see the headline "Stepford Wife Runner Found Dead in Clear Lake." What that means is the same thing it meant 15 years ago when I realized that my partying/drinking/ (and let's be honest, ho-ing around) was way out of hand: it's time to get off my ass and do something with my life. Like I said, somethings never change. I guess I'm lucky that all it took this time was a weekend in Vegas.

It is time to stop growing out my hair. Time to stop being afraid. Afraid of not being hired, afraid of my heart exploding, afraid of running, afraid of putting myself out there. I never realized the courage it takes to allow yourself to admit you're healed. It is much easier to be sick, to turn yourself and your care over to a team of doctors and to say, "I can't _________ because I'm sick.

I have decided that I really, really, need to get a job, get my resume together and start sending it out. I also think it is time to get a haircut so that I can look like somebody might want to hire.